


Desert Dreams

by ardett



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Confessions, Crushes, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluffy Ending, M/M, Multi, Pining, Polyamory, Remarkably softer than my usual content, Surprise Kissing, Unreciprocated feelings but not really, Unus Annus, YouTube
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:54:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26187523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ardett/pseuds/ardett
Summary: Ethan has always been one to fall in love easily.Or soft boi gets even softer and has a crush on Mark and Amy.
Relationships: Amy Nelson/Ethan Nestor, Ethan Nestor & Amy Nelson, Mark Fischbach & Ethan Nestor, Mark Fischbach/Amy Nelson, Mark Fischbach/Amy Nelson/Ethan Nestor, Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor
Comments: 51
Kudos: 438





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> When I tell you I had the most vivid dream of Ethan kissing Mark in the desert and then I decided I just had to write it, well here we are. Welcome to my first Unus Annus shipping fic

75:00:00:00

“Let’s go somewhere,” Mark says abruptly over dinner. He and Amy had offered that Ethan stay to eat after filming.

“What?” Ethan laughs. He puts his fork down and looks over at Mark. “Where? We can’t go anywhere.”

“Sure we can.” Mark crosses his arms. Ethan realizes that he’s actually serious. “Me and Amy have been talking it over. We’re thinking we could go into the desert. Did you know you can rent a BnB near the national park? We can sleep over, do a few videos, maybe stargazing. That comet is supposed to be coming—”

“Like, all three of us? Sleep over together?” Ethan interrupts. He doesn’t glance over to Amy. This is a bad idea. He knows it is. But he wants it too, so badly. That’s the whole problem. The problem is that the thing he wants so badly will never be real. Is it so wrong to pretend it could be though? His fantasies have always had a habit of getting away from him.

“In the BnB, yeah.” Mark raises an eyebrow expectantly. “You in?”

Ethan swallows. “Yeah, I’m in. Let’s do it.” He takes a sip of water and he doesn’t look at either of them.

“I’ll book the place tonight and send you the details,” Amy says. Ethan catches her grinning at Mark from the corner of his eye. Ethan wonders how after all this time, they still seem so in love. He’s suddenly struck by the realization that he’ll be intruding on their couple’s vacation. Of course they’re going so they can film videos, not so Mark and Amy can rekindle their love or anything like that, but still. 

It’s going to be a long weekend.

-

When did it start?

It’s hard to say. Ethan’s prone to falling easily. He’s loved a best friend from high school who he hasn’t spoken to since graduating. He’s loved a fellow camp counselor who was a year younger than him and let him steal her juul when all the campers left. He’s loved the girl he used to commute to work with on the bus and how she used to let him have the window seat because he liked to watch the sun rise in the morning.

It’s not a surprise when he starts to develop a crush on Mark. He’s not going to lie about it, he had some hero worship for Mark. He just admired him so much, his drive and passion and ambition. He was so grateful that Mark gave him the chance to move out to LA with him. At the time, the happiness and excitement and sheer amazement that Markiplier noticed him, more than noticed him, made it feel like his heart would explode. All that deep gratitude along with watching Mark’s content for years coalesced into a tiny, tiny crush.

Over time, that crush changed from hero worship to a real friendship. Ethan no longer editing for Mark was one of the most important steps in their relationship. Now when they hung out, Ethan knew it was because Mark genuinely wanted him there, rather than just inviting Ethan because he served a purpose. Not that he really thought that but still.

They didn’t see each other as much as they both got swept up with their own channels. They’re busy people. And Ethan falls in love easily but for some reason, he seems to hold on longer than he should. Maybe it’s the romantic notion of what could be. Maybe he’s just clingy like that. It’s hard to say.

It’s not full fledged but even as he falls in love with another girl who dyes her hair dark green and sings in his recording room, he still nurses a small crush on Mark. He knows it will never happen but he’s come to terms with that. He’s more used to cradling these crushes gently in his hands and keeping them to himself than he is to anything coming from them. And right now, it’s just a crush.

When Mark asks if he wants to make a channel together, of course the answer is yes. A thousand times yes.

And just like that, Ethan’s crush slams back into him with the force of an unstoppable and inevitable earthquake.

He falls again and it’s like he never stopped.

It’s not as big of a deal as it sounds. Love is like water for him. It ebbs, it flows, it’s soothing and familiar. He has so much of it to give but he understands it’s not like this for everyone. Ethan honestly doesn’t think there’s room for anyone else in Mark’s heart except Amy, not romantically anyway. Mark gives her everything. There’s something very sweet about the gesture. And even though, yes, he’s falling for Mark, he knows there’s nothing he can do about it. So why worry about it? It’s too easy to take the long gazes he can, to maybe lean against Mark’s shoulder if the other man lets him, and leave it at that.

When his girlfriend breaks up with him, it changes everything.

Ethan feels so… lost.

He understands why they weren’t working. He understands that there were some things between the two of them that just weren’t compatible. But he loved her. He still loves her. He’s never felt valued like that before and now he feels like… who’s going to want him like that again? He cries a lot. He sleeps a lot. He blames himself because of course he does but he didn’t want this. He wanted to stay together and she said they just couldn’t and that it’s okay and they can still be friends, and she’s right, it will be okay and they can still be friends, but things are different now.

He’s probably going to keep loving her for a long time, he thinks. And that’s just going to have to be okay.

Here’s what he doesn’t expect: Amy.

Mark isn’t one much for consoling and despite how much Ethan knows he does care, he’s not the most emotionally sensitive person. Amy though? Amy’s unbelievably supportive post-breakup. He knows they have to film and he knows the quality of his performance in particular is suffering but she makes him feel like he’s still worth something. Yeah, there’s no denying there’s room for improvement but he’s going through a hard time. All it takes is someone acknowledging that. When Ethan literally cries in her arms after a grueling text exchange about trying to figure out a plan for Spencer, he knows he’s done for.

He has a crush on both of them.

There’s just not room for him in their relationship, he knows that. He doesn’t want to ruin anything. They’re all together so much though, it’s hard not to dream. The two of them are some of the only people he gets to see on a regular basis now. They’re quickly becoming his life line. They’re so close, right there, and sometimes Ethan just wants to lean in and kiss Mark and sometimes he thinks he sees something soft in Amy’s smile that’s only there when she looks at Mark and sometimes he just wants to think that maybe, maybe something could be there. He has so much to give and no one to give it to.

Eventually, something has to change.

For better or for worse.

-

The BnB is quaint. It doesn’t quite keep out the heat of the desert air but the tiles are cool underfoot. Outside though, the heat is almost unbearable. The sun is messing with Ethan’s head. He feels so hot and fuzzy and like he’s swaying on his feet even when he’s not. Every word feels thick and clumsy in his throat. As soon as the camera turns on, they come out all wrong.

God, it’s so fucking hot. And he thinks he might be in love. He doesn’t even know with who anymore. Fuck.

“You good, man?”

Ethan’s eyes flutter open. He hadn’t even realized he shut them. Something weird is happening with his vision. There’s a slight darkness in his peripherals like a vignette filter is being pulled across his gaze. 

He squeezes his eyes shut again, rubbing the heel of his palm across his temple. “Y—yeah, I’m fine. Just kind of out of it. Tired.”

He blinks. Everything looks so bright and distorted. How can Mark and Amy stand it?

“You sure?” Mark puts a hand on his shoulder. “It’s really hot out here. Maybe you should go get some water?”

Ethan tries to swallow but his throat is too dry. Yet inexplicably, his eyes somehow manage to tear up. It feels like Mark is trying to get rid of him. He’s doing such a shitty job on these videos. He’s barely even paying for his room in the BnB. Why did he agree to this? Why did he think this was a good idea?

And despite all that, he looks at Mark’s face and see the care and concern there and thinks, _Fuck please I want us to be more._

Ethan spins on his heel. “Yeah, that— that’s a good idea. I’ll be right back.”

He flees inside.

As he waits for his water bottle to fill in his sink, he buries his face in his hands and takes a single shuddering breath. He feels like there’s something wrong with him, wrong inside him. He’s all over the place, crushed by the thought of Mark’s disappointment and crushing hard on a relationship he has no right to and sick at the thought of staying overnight when he’s already so on edge and absolutely love sick for the two of them. He’s such a fucking mess.

There’s a dripping sound behind him.

“Shit,” Ethan hisses as he turns off the faucet, too late to stop it from making his water bottle overflow. He takes a sip and then a gulp as the cold slips down his throat. Things sharpen. His head clears. He drains half the bottle before he pauses to take a breath. Jesus, he really was dehydrated. 

Ethan fiddles with the cap and looks out the window. He should go back out there. He’s taken long enough.

But as he sees Mark and Amy leaning close and whispering something to each other, the sick ache curls in his stomach again. Amy glances up to the window where Ethan stands, though she probably can’t see him with the glare of the sun.

They’re talking about him. He’s absolutely sure of it.

Maybe Ethan will genuinely be sick. He feels like he might be. Or maybe he just has no self-control or self-restraint over his feelings and there’s nothing he can do to stop them from overflowing like water. It’s honestly getting harder to tell the difference. 

Ethan walks back outside. Almost immediately, the heat soaks back into his skin. Things are hazy at best but Mark and Amy are in sharp relief.

“Hey guys,” he says even though they clearly see him coming. He wonders what they were saying about him. “Miss me?”

“Yep,” Mark replies and Ethan imagines fondness in his voice that isn’t there.

“Okay, we can go back to filming. What did you want to do next? Horseshoes or something?” Ethan asks.

“Yeah, there’s a place back here.” Amy leads them around the house.

Somehow one thing leads to another and Ethan ends up straddling Mark as he lays on the ground. 

His knees bracket Mark’s hips. He can feel the hard muscle of Mark’s thighs against him. He feels like he’s drunk, like he’s not entirely in control of his actions. The places of contact between them feel red hot.

“W—What are we doing?” Ethan trips over his words. Everything is so hot and bright and Mark is smiling up at him even while dirt gathers in his long hair.

“Come on, it’ll be a funny bit for the end of the video. You got so frustrated that you bludgeoned me to death with a horseshoe. You’re victorious over my dead body,” Mark insists despite the fact that he feels very much alive and warm under Ethan.

What if Ethan really is drunk? Maybe he got lead poisoning from the tap water. Maybe he’s getting heatstroke. Maybe this is a mirage because what other reason would there be for him to be straddling Mark’s hips?

Everything feels so warm and hot and present. The horseshoe drops from his fingertips. Mark doesn’t seem to notice.

“Next time it’ll be you like this,” Mark continues, taunting. Ethan stares at his lips. “Bet you won’t enjoy it as much when it’s you under me, will you?”

“But what if I want you to?” Ethan says, loud enough for the mic to pick up, loud enough for everyone to hear.

And then he puts his hands on either side of Mark’s head, leans down, and kisses him.

Everything’s warm, everything’s bright, everything’s soft. Ethan’s heart is going to burst. Nothing feels real except the sun bleaching his shirt and the fine dirt in the lines of his palms. He’s honestly not even sure if Mark is kissing him back but he’s not pushing him off. Ethan doesn’t know what that means but maybe he doesn’t care.

Ethan pulls away slowly, eyes fluttering. Mark is looking back at him, gaze wide and dazed. His cheeks are pink, not sunburn red but flushed. Ethan wants to stare at him forever.

Then the reality of what he did sinks in.

“Oh my god,” he breathes. 

He sits back on his heels, levering away from Mark but not steady enough yet to actually get up. His eyes dart guiltily over to Amy but it’s so fast that he doesn’t even see her expression. He pulls up his shirt to hide his face and it’s probably muffling the mic but at this point, what does it matter?

“Amy— Amy, I’m so sorry,” he stammers. The consequences are slamming into him. What was he thinking, he wasn’t thinking at all—

He waves his arms in a loose gesture at the camera. “Editor— editor, cut that out. God, fuck—”

He feels Mark move beneath him as the other man props himself up on his elbows and interrupts quickly, “Don’t cut that out.”

“I— Wha—” Ethan swivels to look at him but Mark won’t make eye contact. Ethan is reeling. What’s happening, what’s happening, what the fuck is— 

Eventually he settles on an awkward, forced laugh and repeats, “Okay editor, don’t cut that out, I guess.”

He jumps when Mark puts a hand on his forearm. “It’s fine, Ethan. Really it’s fine.” And he sounds earnest and he looks earnest and now he’s finally meeting Ethan’s eyes but somehow Ethan has a hard time believing it’s actually fine. Mark waves a hand at Amy. “It’s fine. I’m fine, you’re fine, Amy’s fine. Right, Amy?”

Ethan looks over to Amy. He doesn’t know what he expects. Anger? Betrayal? Disappointment? But as the camera hangs at her side, she hardly looks bothered at all. She just smiles that radiant smile and nods.

“Yeah, it’s okay, Ethan. We actually—”

“See, it’s fine,” Mark says over her. Amy’s smile turns exasperated and she rolls her eyes. 

“Take your time then,” she gibes at Mark. Mark smiles up at her and then back at Ethan.

Ethan feels like he’s not in on the joke. Maybe he is the joke.

“Okay, um—” Ethan finally pushes himself up, stumbling a bit, but managing to make it to his feet. “We got enough footage, right? And— and we’re done now?”

“There’s still a couple more things we wanna get.” Mark stands as well. There’s something different in the way he looks at Ethan, something more tender. Or maybe he’s trying to hold back laughter at Ethan’s stupidity. 

“And um—” Ethan’s fingers twists in the hem of his shirt. “You’re sure you don’t want to reshoot the ending of this video?”

“Yeah, don’t worry so much. It’ll be fine.” Mark waves them back to the front of the house and Ethan follows because what else is he going to do?

He wants to ask what’s going through Mark’s mind. He wants to know why Amy doesn’t even seem surprised. He wants to say that the internet is going to have a hay day with that clip and they’re going to have to address it.

Unless Mark thinks they don’t need to address it. Unless Mark thinks that it’s already incredibly obvious that it was just for show. Unless Mark thinks Ethan didn’t mean it. Unless Mark thinks Ethan kissed him just for a video bit.

It feels too late to bring it up as Mark and Amy get ready for the next shot. They’re still acting normal and that small moment seems almost like a dream. It wouldn’t be the first time Ethan dreamed of something so impossible. 

So Ethan does what he always does. He holds onto what he can and lets go of what he can’t.

-

He was able to put the kiss behind him while they were filming but now that he’s laying in bed, he can’t stop thinking about it. All three of them acted like nothing happened for the rest of the day. 

They finished filming, ate dinner, watched a movie. Ethan sat as far away from them during the show as possible, hands tucked under his knees. Amy had thrown him a concerned look but Ethan didn’t know what to make of it. Maybe she was just wondering why he was still there. He decided to turn in early for the night and now he’s desperately trying to get some sleep. He just wants to pass out and not have to think about this anymore. 

He can’t forget it though, not as he hears Mark and Amy still bustling around, still talking to each other. It’s a small house with thin walls but he can’t hear what they’re saying. Can’t hear if they’re talking about him.

He thinks about the purity of that moment, of that kiss, how it seemed like it was just the three of them and the heat of the sun suspended in time. He’s never felt vulnerable like that before. It was a confession years coming but instead of feeling relieved or heartbroken, he just feels so confused. And now that moment of weakness, a moment born out of months of heartache and desire and loss, is going to first be displayed to their team of editors and then broadcast to the world.

Ethan’s chest tightens. A wave of feverish anxiety sweeps through his whole body. 

He doesn’t want that. Mark will understand, won’t he? Ethan’s fine with being made fun of for their bits but he doesn’t want to be used for content. He doesn’t want thousands of people to see his heart burn in the desert sun and laugh at a joke he’s not a part of.

He sits up in bed and swings his feet onto the floor. He’s made up his mind. He can’t leave it like this.

He pads into the kitchen. Amy is sitting at the table with a mug of tea while Mark scrolls on his phone, standing by the counter.

Ethan stays in the door frame. His feet are cold on the ground. His stomach gives a nervous shiver.

“Mark?”

They both look up at him. Mark looks surprised. Amy doesn’t. Ethan doesn’t miss the way her gaze slides over to Mark.

Mark puts his phone down. “Ethan? Thought you went to bed already.”

Ethan doesn’t answer the question there. Instead he asks, “Why did you want to leave it in the video?”

Mark blinks. “Which part?” Amy looks at the ceiling. Ethan’s nails dig into his arm.

“The— the kiss. Why did you say to leave it in?”

Mark’s gaze kind of… softens. Ethan's breath catches in his throat. Mark murmurs, “Because it’s cute. Don’t you want to remember it?”

Of course he does because he wants whatever they'll give him but it would hurt, it would hurt so much. And people will never let him forget. They'll ask him to explain it over and over again and he'll have to say it was nothing. They're nothing, not like that anyway. He's nothing. 

Ethan's gaze fixes on the ground. “Not really, no.”

Mark has the audacity to sound hurt. “Why not?”

“Because it’s never going to happen again,” Ethan chokes out. His eyes are starting to burn. He hopes Mark can’t see it. 

It shouldn't be this hard. He knows this could never be real. So why does he feel like he can't breathe?

Ethan's eyes dart up to Mark's face, checking his reaction.

Mark bites his lip. Ethan would say he was nervous if he didn’t know any better. “Why can’t it?” Mark whispers.

“Because I love you. And you love each other.” Ethan takes a trembling breath. Something wet slides down his cheek. “And neither of you love me back.”

"Ethan," Amy whispers, voice so soft and so kind. She rises and walks over to him, gently taking his hands in hers. "Of course we love you."

"Not—" The tears are pouring down his face now. "Not the way I love you."

"I don't know." Her voice is so quiet that Ethan almost can't hear it. "You might be surprised."

Then she presses a kiss against his cheek. 

His face burns as she pulls away. Ethan stares at her.

"W—what?" He's stuck between feeling an elated hopefulness and feeling so, so small. His chest feels tight with the warring emotions.

"Come on, Ethan!" Amy laughs, beaming at him. Her hands squeeze at his. "Why do you think we invited you on this trip?"

Ethan pulls away. Amy's smile falls. "To film videos," Ethan states, taking a step back. "What are you talking about?"

"We could do that at home. We wanted to spend more time with you," Mark explains. He puts a hand on Amy's shoulder, sharing a look with her before glancing almost shyly at Ethan. "I should've said something before but I was worried I would scare you off. We… we like you, Ethan. We want you to be a part of our relationship."

There's a moment of complete silence as Mark and Amy wait for him to respond.

Then Ethan sobs, shattering the quiet.

He buries his face in his hands, sinking to the ground. He tries to wipe away the tears as he sniffles but they keep coming.

"Ethan?" Mark falls to his knees beside him, Amy close behind. The panic in his voice makes Ethan cry harder. "I'm sorry, I thought that was what you wanted—"

"It is," Ethan manages through watery vocal cords.

"Then why are you crying?" Mark touches his knee and Ethan takes that as an invitation to reach out for a hug. He hides his face in Mark's shoulder as the other man holds him close. Concern still radiates from him. "Ethan?"

Ethan's distantly aware of Amy rubbing his back. "It's okay, it's okay," she repeats.

“I just— I just feel— overwhelmed,” Ethan blubbers because he does. He can’t process it all at once. It comes to him in bits and pieces: the pounding of his heart, the warmth of them so close to him, happiness so large that it feels like his body can’t contain it. He can’t believe it. “I never— I never thought you would want me. I didn’t think… You two are so in love. You really want me like— like that?”

The tears are finally starting to slow. Disbelief still fights with his hope. If this turns out to be an elaborate joke, he thinks his heart might just break forever. But when he raises his head, Mark and Amy are both watching him with soft gazes.

Mark doesn’t answer his question. Instead, his eyes flicker down to Ethan’s lips and he asks, “Can I kiss you again? I’ve been thinking about it all day.”

“Yeah,” Ethan breathes. “I mean I feel kind of gross cause I’ve been crying but if you want to—”

Mark cuts him off with a fond, “Shut up,” and then leans in.

Ethan gets to appreciate the kiss this time. It feels like the culmination of years of loving Mark, from idolizing him to being friends to having a crush on him to falling in love. It feels like this is where he belongs. He was supposed to be right here all along, the heat of Mark against him and Amy’s hand burning at the bare skin of his hip where his shirt has ridden up.

“Oh my god,” Ethan mumbles as he draws away. He can’t stop smiling. He laughs, forehead resting on Mark’s shoulder. This has to be a dream but it feels too real for that.

Then Amy tilts his chin up and pulls him into another kiss.

It’s different from kissing Mark, sweeter and newer. It’s less like coming home and more like the first time he fell in love, when everything felt unfamiliar and exciting and he thought it would last forever. Every nerve feels electrified. It’s like he’s never been kissed before and yet he also feels safe and held. Mark’s hand is on his thigh the whole time, steadying him.

He follows her as she withdraws and then blushes as he realizes what he was doing.

“I love you.” It just slips out. Ethan ducks his head down and starts to ramble, “Sorry, I know it’s too soon. You guys don’t have to say it back, oh my god, what am I—”

“We love you too,” Mark says. He links his hand with Ethan’s. 

Amy nods in agreement. “We love you.”

Ethan could bask in the warmth of it all forever but after a couple more seconds, Mark adds on, “I am getting kind of sore though, so maybe we can get off the ground and move this party to the bed?” 

Ethan chuckles but Amy must hear the nervous undertone because she assures him, “Just to sleep. There’s plenty of room for all of us in the master bedroom.” She’s up first and puts out a hand to help Ethan up. “We can talk more in the morning.”

Ethan almost doesn’t want to go to sleep. There’s still a part of him that insists that this is just a dream and when he wakes up, it will all be gone. The sun and the crying have exhausted him though and he’s out before he knows it.

When he’s woken up with a kiss on the forehead and an arm around his waist, he knows for sure. This is real. He’s so in love with them. And they love him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Unus Annus fics just keep on rolling but the question is, will they die with the channel?


	2. Chapter 2

00:00:00:00


End file.
